beneath the hidden mask
by kittycatpony
Summary: *DISCONTUNUED, MOVED TO ANOTHER FANDOM.*
1. Chapter 1

Another story? The I know .-. It's a little ridiculous... I will complete my other story tho... Just not verry fast at updating :L

**serious warning guys: THIS FANFICTION CONTAINS UNSETTLEING THINGS LIKE SELF HARM AND FUTURE EATING DISORDER /POOR BODY IMAGE THOUGHTS, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE READING FANFICTIONS WITH THIS NATURE PLEASE DON'T, I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO RELAPSE **

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><p>"You're so slow, why can't you be more like your brother?"<p>

10 years old

"What is that? It looks like crap, try and learn from your brother. Maybe then you'll actually have some talent."

13 years old

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ALFRED?! SERIOUSLY! CAN'T YOU JUST BE GOOD FOR ONCE?!"

A few hours ago

No matter how old he gets the comments would always get worse. No matter how hard he trys, his dad always has something bad to say, but did his brother get picked on? No. It was always Alfred fucking Jones, (maybe that's what the F in his name means) if Matthew did something wrong like staying out until midnight or something really drastic? (Which never happens) All he would get was something like "MATTHEW! How dare you do something like that! Go to your room, NOW!" But if he, Alfred, did something it was completely different. "AGAIN ALFRED? Why can't you be more like your brother, you IDIOT" or "THAT'S IT! SERIOUSLY ALFRED! WHY CAN'T YOU GET OFF YOUR FAT ARSE AND DO SOMETHING GOOD?!" And that's just what he hears for bad grades.

The words hurt him, a lot. Sometimes he wonders why he even bothers.

...

Would they even care if he disappeared...?

Probably not, maybe papa would a little...

Mattie might too...

...

If Mattie disappeared...?

Both dad and papa would fall apart.

And Alfred? Well... he would fall apart if his brother disappeared.

I mean he was there for Al when he was at his lowest... Mattie was the reason he was ever re-homed.

And that's why he doesn't hate his brother, despite being a little jealous.

Alfred opened his eyes, waking suddenly from the nightmare. The reoccuring dreams reflecting his daily life.

He inhaled slowly, shakily, trying to calm his nerves as he looked at his clock.

6:00 a.m.

School started at 8:30.

He groaned, getting out of his bed to take a shower and clear his head.

'I wish that I could just disappear. Leave it all behind. All the nightmares, the depression, my ugly fat ass body, everything. Just be free from it all.' He thought to himself as he began his usual routine. Get up, feel disgusted with himself for being such a depressed little bitch, catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror, get pissed and disappointed, take a shower, and put on his happy mask. He promises himself every morning that he'll keep himself under control, be he always loses it. He ends up stuffing his face like a pig, and when he realises that he broke his promise, he gets out the blade and cuts away the guilt...  
>He knows he needs help but he's too ashamed to ask for it. He's too wrapped up in his self hate to tell anyone. He just pushes through each day, goes to bed, and cries himself to sleep like a 'little emo kid'. He wakes up periodically throughout each night, only to wake up tired the next day and do it all over again.<p>

"No... This time is going to be different. This time I'll be stronger." He tells himself, getting out of the shower and examining himself in the mirror. Even though to everyone else, his body was fine, he was slim and in shape, all he saw was fat. On his thighs, arms, everywhere, the worst bit for him was his stomach, how it just seemed to stick out like a big red zit on a clean face. He stood there pinching at the 'fat' on his body and scowling pinching harder and harder, leaving marks on his skin. He shook his head and let go, moving his attention to the bandages on his thighs. He unwrapped the bandages and examined the gashes and scars littered across his flesh. He sighed, replacing his bandages, and then pulling his underwear on over them, keeping the scars and gashes hidden from anyone's eyes but his own.

"I will be different one day." he whispered, not wanting to alert anyone in the house (Although they were all probably awake by now.)

He smiled weakly at himself, just believable enough that no one would question it, and went downstairs. The sound of voices caused him to stop and listen to the argument going on between his papa and dad in the kitchen, before he grabbed his bag, pretending he hadn't heard what his dad was saying. He was drunk... Again.

"Arthur, try to be quiet, sil vous plaite? He'll hear you..." His papa begged.

"It's not my bloody fault if he hears me! And I don't give a shit if he does! He should know by now that the only *hic* reason I adopted him was because he and his brother refused *hic* to be separated! It'd be so much better if *hic* he wasn't my son!"

Alfred turned and marched right to the doorway, his face full of rage and hurt.

"Why don't you say that to my face old man." He snarled, looking his dad right in the eyes.

"What did you call me? Don't you BLOODY DARE be so disrespectful to you're father!" He shouted.

"Oh I'm sorry, so you are my dad now? I thought you didn't want me as your son. You know what? Fuck. You. If you really hate me so much, THEN JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE FUCKING ADOPTION PLACE, WHERE I BELONG! BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I'M SUCH A RUDE LITTLE SHIT WHO DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE HERE." He shouted, storming out and slamming the door shut as he left.

He went straight to the place he always went when he was upset, and leaned against a tree. He finally broke down into sobs as he slid down to the ground, hands over his eyes. He took off his glasses and sat there for a while, until he calmed down. He wiped his eyes and checked his phone, 7:35. His school was about 30 minutes away so he dicided to walk to school, his mask firmly in place, ignoring the text his dad sent him.

Turns out today was the same as always.

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><p><strong>IF YOU DO HAVE THISE PROBLEMS THEN THERE'S PEOPLE TO HELP YOU<strong>

**I know that you may not want to talk about it but trust me, it's worth talking about it with someone**

**I know you don't know me but I'm always here to help too, just give me a pm or something**


	2. Chapter 2

Oh my gosh how meny Views and follows has this fanfiction got?! This is like my most popular storie ever! I SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU GUYS :D *gives evryone nice terats and drinks* injoy the gift for you sexy guys out there owo

Il'll try and update as much as i can, this story is pratically being made up on the spot XD well... and that im kinda ill soo... XD

reply to revews:

Guest~ yes you should, eating is always a good thing to do 83

Catofawsomeness~ ikr T-T i have more planned witch will end badly for Alfred im afraid

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><p>Alfred sat down with his usual group of friends, Gilbert, Kiku, Matthew, Ludwig, Lovino and Feliciano. All together they were a pretty strange group, but somehow it worked out perfectly.<br>Watching everyone eat was hard. Alfred started to feel sick and hungry all at once. Being surounded by such delicious smells and sights... Mabye one hamburger wouldn't hurt. It'd be fine, right?  
>NO! He had to prove to Arthur that he was strong, that he wasn't a fat ass. He would be Alfred the toned, strong, THIN hero. He couldn't let the big bad food take away his strengh, there are no fat heroes afterall... And he was going to be a hero one day!<p>

While lost in thought, he hadn't noticed his friends worried glances. Kiku was the first one to speak up.  
>"Alfred-san, are you feeling alright?" He asked, looking at him, clearly concerned.<p>

"Yeah dude, I'm just...On a diet." Alred said, writing in his notebook to try and distract himself from the hunger.

Kiku raised an eyebrow. "Oh... But Alfred-san, you don't need to go on a diet. You look perfectly healthy." He said as politely as he could.

Alfred just shrugged and carried on doodling in his book, he was currently working on a comic strip that he had been thinking about for a while.

It was unusally silent at the table after that, even Gilbert was quiet...ish. When the bell (finally) went off, Alfred was the first one up, hurrying to his next lesson, not bothering to say anything to his friends.

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><p>Iv just relised how short this is XDDD im so sorry guys... but eh give me some slack I have the flu ^^'<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Another update 8D i seriously cand beleve how popular this is T3T i love each and everyone of you guys , have another chapter for you awesome pepole ;3;

replys to reviews:

Mindmaster (guest) and guest: yes there will be more to Come yet :3

Catofawsomeness: oh, ill sort them out later ^^' yeh, not having a voice sucks ;-; i missed double art because if the stuped flu i had, its gone now though :D

Alfred(guest): why thank you :3 ill defantly wont give up on this, i can promise ya, but im kinda short on time so yeh... dont kill me ;-;

**warning: THIS CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE MESSY, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED AND REMEMBER TO GET HELP IF YOU HAVE THE PROBLEMS ALFRED HAS/HAD, IM ALLWAYS HERE TO HELP IF YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE ELSE :3**

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><p>Alfred sighed, looking into the mirror. He wasn't expecting to look any better, but he hadn't eaten all day, so at least he could eat dinner. ...But he didn't feel like eating. He grabbed his trusty blade and pressed it against his inner thigh, sliding it across the already scarred skin, watching as crimson blood trickled out of the line. He tilted his head back, his breath coming out in a hiss, as he grinned slightly in masochistic pleasure, smearing the blood of the cut around his thigh accidentally. He dragged the blade across his leg again, making another cut on the other thigh and letting out a sad laugh as he repeted the process. He then grabbed some toilet paper and gauze and cleaned up all the blood, flushing the evidence away. He watched as tears fell onto his bloodstained hands and thighs, a sad smile in place.<p>

'You deserve it, you piece of shit. You weren't good enough, and you deserve this.' He thought to himself, as he washed his hands and cleaned himself up.

He went downstairs to the smell of food, inwardly cringing. He put on another fake smile and walked to the dinning room. Thankfully his dad wasn't as mad at him now as he was this morning, and just smiled politely, telling him to sit at the table. As much as Alfred really didn't want to, he knew he had no choice. Not unless he wanted to get bombarded with unwanted questions... So he sat down, keeping the forced smile in place as he ate. He pretended to chat happily with his family about his day, just so they wouldn't get suspicous. Afterwards, he went to watch tv for a little bit, and then went to bed.

Alfred sighed, letting his tears finallly fall down his checks as he curled up and cried .  
>''Oh god...I'm so pathetic...'' He whispered to himself, crying until he fell asleep. The same as every night.<p>

-3 months later-

Alfred pulled at his dirty blonde hair as he looked down at the scale. '115' glowed back up at him in ugly green numbers, taunting him. He could practically hear the damn scale laughing at him. He pulled at the skin on his sunken stomach and let out a pathetic whimper, grabbing his blade and starting to cry. He locked the door and glared down at his stomach.

"Just get off my body!" he shouted, createing a huge gash on his stomach. He started to slash wildly at his stomach, grabbing the cut skin and screaming loudly.

He thought about how his life had turned to shit, first the taunting of his real father and how he would always be ashamed of him, images haunted his mind of the... things he did which not even Alfred could bring himself to explain without looking like a pathetic, 'fat'little mess...

At least he wasn't weighing a whopping (normal) '175' pounds like he used to... But why didn't he feal happy with '115'? Why couldn't he just be confident with himself? Why hadn't anyone noticed his depression, and how bad he felt? Maybe it would be better if they didn't know. He knew what they would all do if they did find out. They would pick at him, rip him open, yell and make him feel awful. They already had a few months ago when he flipped out. He had snapped, screaming at his brother and tried to run away. When Ludwig tried to pin him down and get him to stop, he fought him off, not knowing his own strengh and causing Ludwig to hit his head on the ground and lose conciousness. Alfred could never forgive himself for doing that to his friend, even if they said they understand and they forgave him, he knows that they're lying. He couldn't even forgive himself. How could they try and say he was forgiven?

His whole life was a lie and Arthur was just another person to him, too much like his old dad, with all the shouting and name calling, but without all the physical abuse. Its not like he could go to anyone. Go to papa? Scolding. Go to matt? Well... Even if he loves his brother they had gotten distant since his episode... Not like he could blame him, he wasn't meant to be liked anyway...

He created three more large gashes on his chest and stomach, not even aware of his brothers frantic shouting on the opposite side of the door. He started to laugh softly, tears rolling down his cheeks. He wasn't afraid this time, he was ready to do it, to go so far, there was no coming back.  
>"Almost gone, you won't have to deal with me anymore soon." He said softly, tears falling onto the crimson stained floor. As his brother's now frantic, sobbing word's came though the door, they sounded hazy, distant. But he knew it must of been loud as he heard the door being smashed open and felt Mathew grab him, and reach for a nearby towel and hold it over his wounds.<br>"Fuck... Alfred... What the fuck have you d-done?!" he sobbed. Alfred felt himself being carried down the stairs, not by his brother though as he got put into something. Needles getting stuck into his arms and gauze being wrapped onto his body, he didn't have the strengh to stop them though...  
>"Please try to rest, you could be in a lot of trouble." A young woman said, feeding a tube into Allfred's mouth and placing a breathing mask over his mouth and nose before he could speak, if he had the energy to speak that is.<p>

The last thing he saw was his brother's face. Matthew looked terrified, and distraught. He looked broken hearted,big fat tears rolling down his face.  
>'It can't be because of me...' He thought. 'Nobody cares about me...'<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Another chappy for my lovly followers :3

poefpoef: aw, im sorry TwT hell be ok, i promice!

Guest: yah ;-; sorry about that...

catofawesomeess: well in glad about that then, proberly explains why this is so popular ;w;

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><p>Alfred opened his eyes to a blindingly white room. He closed his eyes again, before slowly reopening them to get used to the light.<p>

"A-Alfred?" A soft but worried voice said. Alfred turned his head and looked at his brother. Even without his glasses on he could see that his brother was a mess. He felt his glasses being put on as he was embraced in a gentle but shakey hug. Alfred tried to speak, but found that he couldn't, a tube was fed into his mouth. After he was seperated from the hug he grabbed the mask and took it of,  
>"I'm sorry..." He whispered hoarsly, taking the tube out, but not without some coughs and sputters.<p>

"Alfred... Do you know how long you've been out...?"

Alfred stayed quiet and looked down, shaking his head.

"It's been six weeks... We didn't know if you were ever going to wake up..." Mathew said sadly, squeezing Alfreds thin hand. He looked up at him, watching as Alfred blinked away some tears. Matthews other hand moved up to stroke Alfred's sunken cheek, wiping away the tears that fell.

"Shh its ok Alfred, I'll help you..." He whispered, his own tears falling down his cheek. Alfred lifted his hand to wipe his brother's tears away.

"D-don't cry... Please. You don't deserve it... You're too good... for crying..." He said sadly.

"Shut up! Please! I can't stand to see you like this!" Matthew said, loudly, looking down at his lap. After a while he spoke again.

"Why did you do it...?" Alfred looked away, focusing on anything but Matthew. "Please... I don't care how stupid it is..." Alfred still stayed quiet for a while longer before sighing.

"I can't even explain that to myself... Even if I could, I don't think I could put it into words..." He said picking at his nails, his head down.

"You need to eat more... And please, never do that again. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose you..." Matthew replied, squeezing his brother's hand.

"Ok... I'll t-try... But you'll have to deal with my pathetic behavior..." He said as he and his brother gave each other a hug.

"Ok, I will. You promise me that you'll try and eat lunch at least ok? It's not much but it's a start, and we can work from there." Mathew said, knowing about how much Alfred hated his body. Due to them being together for each other through out the years of mental scars they both had from their past.

Alfred looked down to his body and nodded, grabbing the thin hospital Gown he had on and screwing it up in his fists.

"Thank you, Alfred." Matthew smiled as Arthur and Francis walked in, Francis giving alfred the 'do you know how worried we were?' Talk with Arthur hot on his heels. Alfred had finally admited that he was depressed, Matthew stepping in to say that when everything's okay, Alfred would explain more, but not to push him now, something Alfred was grateful for.

-3 months later-

Alfred hugged himself, stepping onto the scale.

...No that's not right.

That number couldn't possibly be right...

'135'

He was 135 pounds...

In just 3 months, he went from 115 pounds to 135 pounds.

"No... Please no... It's not true..." Alfred whispered. "Nonononono, please, I can't weigh that much." Tears started to fall down his cheeks.

The door opened to reveal a very worried looking Matthew.  
>"Alfred? What happened?" He asked, placing a hand on Alfred's shoulder.<p>

"I've let myself go, Matthew. I-I can't eat anymore today..." He answered, trying not to cry, but failing.

"No Alfred, you haven't, you're recovering, and you're doing so well! You can't give up now!" Mathew said reassuringly.

"Not when I weigh 135 pounds." Alfred said. "I'm huge."

"But you're still underweight Alfred." Matthew snapped, losing his patience.

"I bet you don't weigh that much..."

"Im 176 pounds, Alfred. I'm not fat, we're the same build, age and height. You need to put on at least 20 pounds to be considered healthy." Matthew said, trying to reason with Alfred.

"Prove it." Alfred said, puffing out his cheeks.

Matthew sighed, standing on the scale. It read '177'. Matthew chuckled.  
>"See? I'm even a pound heavier then I said." he said stepping off, Alfred smiled slightly nodding his head.<p>

"Heh, ok dude, I believe ya..." A smile tugged at his lips, the first true smile he had had in a long time.

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><p><strong>im so sorry for another short chappy T-T i had to update, you guys want to know hes ok right? 0wo'<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

Hehe more of behind the hidden mask for my awsome followers :3 i seriously think my mind is mesed up just by writeing this e-e' i mean who thinks of this (you can proberly guess what his dad did to him...no? Oh... see what i mean eAe')

catofawesomeness: hehe more fluff is planned :D and angust... i think idk im winging it with this story as i wasent expecting it to be so popular

**another sad chapter guys ;_; this one is proberly the worst im afraid... i may even put the rating up to just to be safe...just maby because im paranoid... this sorta explains why Alfred commited suicide in the first place... T_T sorry guys... **

**oh and SPOILER ALERT!: Its not the first time he has tried to kill himself T-T sorry...**

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><p>-many years ago-<p>

Alfred curled up in a corner, his frail and broken body throbbing in pain as he tried to take the glass shards out of the wounds inflicted upon him by the glass bottle, trying desperately to wipe the blood away. He ached all over from what had just happened to him, and he cried and curled into a ball, his stomach cramping and gurgling from hunger. He wasn't surprised, it had been days since his last proper meal. He sobbed into his tattered jeans.  
>'Why does daddy hate me? Am I really that bad of a child? Mommy liked me, why was she hanging from the ceiling?' All different kinds of thoughts ran through his head, thoughts that an 8 year old shouldn't have to be having. Things started to become hazy as a woman came in. She gasped and let out a sob. Alfred looked up to see a young woman with long wavy red hair at the door, she looked very pale, her face full of sadness and shock as she walked tawords Alfred. He inched away from the her, looking at her with scared eyes. He didn't want to be hurt again. The woman gasped and started to speak softly to him.<p>

"Dont be s-scared, I'm going to help you okay?" She said, picking up Alfred humming a gentle lullaby. Alfred panicked at first, but stopped when the woman started humming. Her voice was soft and beautiful, like his mother's. Alfred leant in closer, and started humming weakly with the woman. It was the same song his mother had sung to him once, she had told him it was an old folk song that the natives sung when they were around. After the song finished, the woman started talking to someone, but not for very long. She passed him to another woman with long black hair in high pigtails. She then started talking softly to Alfred.

"Are you awake?" She asked.

"Y-yes." He said weakly.

"My name is Jodie, okay? Try not to move too much if you can, and please don't panic. I need to see your wounds, okay?" She said gently.

Alfred nodded, still not trusting the woman 100%.

She said soothing things as she took off Alfred's clothes. She gasped, trying not to choke out a sob as she examined Alfred's injuries. Alfred felt her hands delicately take out the glass from his leg and hands. He then felt sonething being wrapped around his half naked body as the girl began asking him questions, like how he got hurt. Alfred replied with "daddy did it." He heard the girl growl underneath her breath but she masked it with clearing her throat. She then placed Alfred in a bathtub after a while of being in what seemed like a van and being carried into what looked like a huge mansion. She asked if Alfred could undress himself so he could get clean, Alfred complied hesitantly as the woman looked at him, slightly surprised and ran some water until it came up to Alfred's waist. The woman then washed all of his cuts, causing him to flinch in pain. She hushed him softly, saying that it would only hurt worse if she didn't clean them. She then started washing Alfred's hair spraying warm water onto his head and massaging his scalp gently. Alfred relaxed, not really having a choice. He was too weak to help himself, and he had given up a while ago. Afterwards, the woman took him out of the bathtub and dried him off. Once he was dry she wrappd his wounds, puting lotion on his bruises.

She told him that he wold be sharing a room with another boy who was new too, but very shy. Alfred nodded somehow finding the strengh to walk to his room without her help. After he was in the room he looked around... Perhaps his room mate was downstairs, he thought taking off his nightgown and placing some underwear he found in his draw on. He then searched for some clothes, deciding on some jeans and and an oversized hoodie. He then noticed a small figure sitting on one of the beds quietly. Alfred decided to say something.

"Oh, heh didn't notice you there... Hey, my names A-Alfred." He said a little nervously.

"Hello, I'm Matthew." The petite boy said, smiling shyly.

"Awesome! We can be like best friends! Wouldn't that be awesome? We can do like loads of things together!" He exlaimed excitedly, jumping onto the bed opposite Matthew's.

"Y-yeah, that would be nice..." Matthew said quietly.

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><p>Im still not happy with this chapter :I it just dosent seen right... what do you guys think, feedback is appreciated :3<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Another chapter for my awesome followers, i have over 10 followers/favrotes! Thank you guys so much 8'D (i know its not much but its allot to me TwT)

thank all of you fot the awsome views, i now have a betta to cheak my work for me so it shold be better quality now ewe

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><p>Alfred smiled at the memory of his and Matthew's first meeting.<p>

"Alfred? Are you okay?" Matthew asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"You sorta spaced out there." Matt replied.

"Oh sorry dude, I was just looking back on things..." Alfred said, trying to ignore the other thoughts that had entered his mind about what happened to him all those years ago.

"Really, like what?" Matthew asked innocently.

"Just about how we met and stuff." He said, a little nogastic about it.

"Heh, good times." Mathew said leaning onto the couch, not really paying attention to what was on the television.

"Too bad there has to be bad times too." Alfred said, flicking through the channels before giving up. "Ugh! There's nothing to watch! Hey lets watch a horror movie!" Alfred said excitedly.

"Eh, do we have to? How about one of those superhero movies that are really cliche but okay." Matthew asked.

"Yeah! I'll choose ok?" Alfred said jumping off of the couch and putting a disk into the dvd player. After the film was set up, Alfred sat down next to Matthew, his eyes glued to the bright lights and colours radiating from the television.

After a few hours, exhaustion began to set in, his eyes slowly closing as tiredness took over and he drifted off.

-Alfreds dream/nightmare-

Alfred walked down the streets, evryone pointing and laughing, jeering names at him like 'attention seeker' and saying things such as 'dumbass can't do anything right'. Feeling the tears roll down his face, he started to run, not knowing where he was running to. He just kept on running. He then felt a hand yank him back harshly, causing him to fall over onto the cold ground. He grabbed Alfred by the shoulders and slammed him harshly against a wall, beating him viciously as he shouted hurtful insults at him. The man grinned, forcing Alfred to look at him. His face suddenly morphed into Arthurs face. Alfred gasped, trying to push him off but failing.

"You deserve this, you stuped wanker!"

Matthew looked over to Alfred who was sleeping. His face looked like he was having a nightmare as he shook in his sleep. Matthew lent over to his brother and hugged him whispering in his ear.

"It's okay Alfred, you're dreaming! Wake up, it's not real!"

Alfred shook, garbled words escaping in his sleep. Matthew kept on repeating the same words as he held his brother in his arms, holding him gently as to not break his still weak brother.

"Its okay, you're asleep, wake up."

Alfred heard his brother's words repeating them self as Arthur's face dissapeared, and suddenly he was falling into a dark endless hole. Warm arms wrapped themself around him as they repeted soft words into his ears.

"Its not real."

"You're asleep."

"It's not real."

"You're sleeping."

Alfred stopped shaking and opened his eyes weakly, feeling Matthew's arms around him he hugged them, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

"Are you okay now?" Matthew asked softly, wiping away the few tears that fell down Alfred's cheeks.

"Y-yes, just a n-nightmare." Alfred whispered as he hugged Matthew with what little strengh he had left.

Matthew pulled him closer, letting Alfred lean his face into his shoulder, as he rubbed circles onto Alfred's back, asking him what it was about, listening intently.

He smiled sadly as he rubbed circles on Alfred's hand, Alfred still was underweight, but he looked a lot healthier than he had been. However he still wasn't out of being in danger. He needed to eat more and Matthew knew that, but he knows he can't rush his brother, his bones were still visible, poking through the t-shirt he was wearing, his hand felt cold and bony. Matthew was suprised that his brother was still keeping his happy go lucky mask on. Matthew wouldn't be able to pull it off like Alfred did, his smiles were scarily realistic, even mathew sometimes couldn't tell whether he was happy or not. He was a little jealous of Alfred's acting skills, and for how long he could pull off acting happy. Even Matthew was fooled into thinking Alfred was ok, if only he could have seen the signs. How Alfred smiled just a little too happily, how he could pull off a lie and make it seem like he was telling the truth and was happy. How he could just be a completely diffrent person on the outside. If Matthew had been there when they were little even he would probably be convinced that Alfred was okay. But he knew how his brother could be. His eyes are always the brightest shade of blue when truly happy, his posture always so relaxed, not a hint of stiffness that only Matthew could notice.

Alfred looked down, not wanting Matthew to see his body but knowing he already could see. Alfred stiffened up and wrapped his arms around his waist, flinching slightly at the healing stitches on his stomach. Matthew grabbed his arms and unwrapped his arms from around his stomach.

"You're not fat." He said firmly.

Alfred looked away, shutting his eyes. Matthew placed his hands on Alfred's face and gently turned it so he was looking at him.

"Alfred... listen to me... You're. Not. Fat." He repeated.

Alfred nodded looking down, Matthew sighed in understanding.

"I know you don't see yourself like that Al but it's not true. I know you must feel like you're awful but I can promise you, I'm telling the truth. Your friends would agree with me. He said.

Alfred hugged Matthew, just staying like that for a moment before saying thank you to him and laying his head on Matthew's lap. Matthew smiled stroking Alfred's hair.

'Don't worry Al... You'll get better.' He thought to himself.

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><p>Ok guys, i have been having troubles in personal life at the moment so it may not be in verry good quality... anyway, reviews are always appreciated if you have the time to post one :3 i really hope it wasent that bad T_T oh and also i have a beta so yeh, i shold have my story fixed soon, sorry for the grammar mistakes :


	7. Chapter 7

Right... heres chapter 7 guys... yeh, its proberly not the best chapter... sorry about that ;_;

Turns out writeing fucked up things is how i deal with things if you havent yet read my other story 'i nead you, master" »3»

Thank you guys for the wonderful comments it really warms my heart to have so meny kind and thoughtful review's, it really made me feel a little better at least :) thank you all so much for yore support x3

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><p>Alfred widened his eyes. "W-what?" He asked dumbly.<p>

"We don't want you to hurt yourself again, poppet, it's for the best." Arthur said, trying to be reassuring.

"B-but I'm not some sort of mentally unstable kid! I don't need therapy!" Alfred said bitterly.

"This is only temporary, Alfred. People don't just try to end their life like that. I know you must feel angry with us right now but it is for the best, just like Arthur said..." Francis said.

Alfred nodded his head in understanding.

"Well I guess I'm insane then!" He muttered, frustrated, finishing the conversation by walking out of the room.

"Well... That went surprisingly well... I suppose." Arthur said sighing. "I shouldn't have ever drank so much in the first place... Do you think he will ever forgive me for what i said...? I didn't mean it..."

Francis placed his hand on Arthur's leg. "Oui, he will forgive you Arthur, you just need to give him time."

"Yes... I suppose you're right... Again." Arthur replied.

-that night-

Alfred closed the door quietly, his anger boiling up inside of him. He pulled his legs to his chest and sat there, his mind buzzing with all sorts of diffrent thoughts, and voices quietly whispering to him.

'Well done fatty, you can't get out of this now.'

'You'll have to admit everything to them, happy now dumbass?'

They laughed at him, taunted him.

Alfred grabbed his pillow, muffling his screams with it as he dragged his fingernails across his arms, leaving red lines on his pale skin, some even bleeding.

They didn't stop, getting louder and louder to a point where he couldn't even think straight.

He screamed louder into the pillow, hoping to god that it was quiet enough for no one to hear him as he tugged at his hair.

'Stop it! Stop it' He repeated to him self over and over again, tears dripping from his hands and down his arms, mixing with the small amount of blood that came from where he had scratch himself open.

After feeling the teary blood drip onto his leg, he jumped and cursed quietly, grabbing some tissue and placing them over the scratches. Ater they had stopped bleeding, he cleared what mess was made, which wasn't much.

Oh how he loved dark coloured bed sheets at that moment as he grabbed the tissues, placing a hoodie on and shoving them in his pockets as he walked towards the bathroom. He bumped into Matthew and explaining that he really needed to go to avoid him asking questions as he went into the bathroom, flushing the evidence before diciding to take a shower to wash his arms, and stitches too of course.

As soon as he got undressed and went into the shower he regretted it. He looked down at himself, repulsed at the ghastly sight that met his eyes. He grabbed the 'fat' on his body being careful of the stitches, and pinched as hard as he could, not touching his stitches and not careing about brusing or red marks. He was inwardly screaming by the time he decided to tend to his stitches, flinching in pain as he cleaned them.

'Stupid stitches...' He thought to himself, frustrated.

'I look like a fucking patchwork doll... why couldn't I have been quieter...?' He thought to himself, looking for a razor of some sort, growling as he realized they were hidden. 'Looks like I'll have to find a pencil sharpener later...' He thought to himself, annoyed.


	8. Chapter 8

Another chapter for evryone! :3

Another short chapter... sorry life is still verry hetic and writers block is being a bitch

I really hope i got it right with the school by the way, im in the uk and this is ment to be a American high school setting thing ^^` just say if i get it wrong or something

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><p>Alfred walked down the road to school alone, his hands in his pockets and his headphones on. He had told Matthew he was going to meet him at school.<p>

"Alfred san! Wait up please!" Kiku's voice came out only just loud enough for Alfred to pause his music and take off his headphones.

"Hey Kiku... What's up?" He asked.

Kiku ran up to him, his breathing heavy as he hugged Alfred, his voice relieved as he quickly let go. The Japanese boy blushed, slightly embarrassed with his actions.

"Sorry Alfred, I was just glad you'ds ok. I heard what happened...You are ok now right?" Kiku said, finally catching his breath.

"Yeah... I'm fine dude, at least someone was worried though." Alfred said chuckling.

"Oh, Alfred-san, all of us have been very worried about you. Gilbert, Felicano, me, Ludwig, Lovino, even the principal said for us to keep an eye on you. I think she was worried too, lots of people were asking us if you were alright " Kiku replied.

Alfred laughed rolling his eyes. "Haha good one, Kiku. I highly doubt anyone really cared, the principal hates me and everyone else doesn't give a shit... I probably just sound like a whiny bitch now anyway..." He muttered.

"Alfred... I was being serious." Kiku said, getting interrupted by a certian German-Prussian.

"ALFRED! Don't do anything unawesome like that again!" Gilbert said (more like shouted) followed by Ludwig, Felicano and Lovino.

Alfred rolled his eyes.  
>"Nah dude, I just wont survive next time." He said bluntly leaving the Prussian a little taken aback.<p>

"But that will never hapen again! You can't just be unawesome and leave me with these losers!" Gilbert exlaimed.

"Vee~~ You aren't going to do it again are you?" Feliciano asked tearfully.

"Nah dude, I can't even if I wanted to..." Alfred stuffed his hands in his pockets as the bell rang.

"Well I gotta go, see ya later." He said giving them a forced smile as he ran of to lesson.

'That was way to close.' He thought to himself, drowning the voices out of his head with music from his headphones.

...

Alfred sat at the table with his friends. He talked with them, putting on his usual facade. Giving up he grabbed a hamburger, shovelling it down his throat, not even hearing the voices in his head taunting him and killing him deep inside or Matthew giving him a very concerned look.

...

'What have I done?" He thought to himself, thinking back to earlier that day, more tears falling down his cheeks as he fell to his knees. Turning on the shower, he grabbed his toothbrush, kneeling in front of the toilet and jamming the end of the toothbrush into the back of his throat, emptying the contents of his stomach in to the unforgiving toilet bowl, flushing what ever abomination he had used to dirty the toilet water. Tears were threatening to fall again from his once bright sky blue eyes.

'Well done idiot, what will Matthew think?'

'What's the matter baby? Are you going cut yourself again?'

'Are you seriously that much of an attention seeker?'

'No wonder you need therapy...'

Alfred couldn't take the voices anymore, his hands over his ears he chanted 'get out' repeatedly, tears finally escaping his eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

_this is wayyyy overdue... sorry guys writers block is a bitch... so if you have any idea how to keep this story going then can you say a few ideas? You dont have to of corse... im just going to shut up now_

_Enjoy this short and crappy chapter~~_

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><p>Alfred walked into the waiting room and sat down awkwardly with Matthew by his side. A girl was seated on the other side of the room, her eyes were down and her hands were fumbling with the baggy shirt she had on. Alfred noticed that she had a very large red line on her neck and decided to focus on something else. All of the pepole that were waiting there looked either emo or looked extremely depressed which just annoyed Alfred even more. Why did he need to be in a place like this? He wasn't an emo, yeah he cut himself but that doesn't make him an emo, right?<p>

A young woman with blond hair in a bun and a nurses uniform walked in and asked Alfred to come back. Alfred got up and walked in, feeling quite nervous as he did so.

As he walked in he was met with a young man, must of been in his early 20's and had short brown hair with dark brown eyes, accompanied with glasses. He greeted Alfred politely and asked him to sit down. When Alfred had done so, he introduced himself.

"Good afternoon, Alfred. It's nice to see you. My name is Dr. Kagune and i will be getting to know you for the next 3 months, okay?" He said smiling brightly.  
>'I won't tell him whats wrong... I'll make something up...' Alfred said, smiling back just as falsely as he thought the doctor was. 'He obviously doesn't like me, probably because he thinks I'm an attention seeker. Am I really so fat and disgusting that he has to hate me just by my looks?' He thought sourly.<p>

...

Here's the first one. Sorry, schools been hell.

"I'm sure you both will get to know each other, just give it time." Matthew said, calmly laying back on the sofa.

"But I don't need it!" Alfred complained, puffing out his cheeks.

"You may not think that but i can assure you that you do..." Mathew said, causing Alfred to sigh, frustrated and sulking.

...

Matthew was glad that Alfred was ok now. This was his last therapy session for the 6 month cycle and he seems to have gone back to his normal weight, but he couldn't stop thinking that the therapy may not have helped. It seemed to him that something was still off about Alfred, the therapy was only for his depression after all. But it seemed that Alfred went back to normal way two quickly, eating disorders don't work like that and Mathew was scared. What if Alfred was doing something that he didn't know about? It seemed rather odd to Matthew and he was going to investigate. He couldn't let Alfred know because he would hide it, but hopefully he was not doing anything and Matthew should just stop worrying. But he was not going to let Alfred slip again!

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><p>I told you it was bad ;_; sorry guys...<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

Ok, i felt like i had to get into more detail about Alfred's eating disorder, idk i still hate it, and its horribly short, what do you guys think?

Wow... 10 chapters already, im suprised i kept to this for so long ._.

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><p>Alfred walked into his house, feeling disgusting. He walked into his room, and closed the door. Tears starting to fall down his cheeks, he placed his hands onto his face, muffling his pathetic sobs.<p>

'Oh come on! You're not even trying anymore! Do you want to be thin you stupid FAT bitch?! I wonder how many pounds your going to put on this time.' The voice shouted.

'Please stop...'

'Why? Can't face the truth fatty?'

Alfred sobbed more, digging his weak fingernails into his skull, just wanting the voice to stop.

'You know I won't stop until I get what I want.' The voice said spitefully.

Alfred sighed grabbing the razor in his hand and walked into his bathroom, not noticing Matthew standing there.

Alfred closed the door, wishing that it still had a lock on it. He took off his shirt, cleaning the many freshly made cuts on his arms and stomach. He then weighed himself and growled, the ugly numbers on the screen once again taunting him.  
>130.<br>The numbers glared up at him, laughing like they did every day. He knelt down, shoving his fingers down his rather sore throat like he did every day for the past few months now.

...

Alfred came out of his room, walking straight into the bathroom, not even noticing Matthew standing there, staring at him with slightly worried eyes. Mattie listened intently, not wanting to seem too suspicious. After quite a while there was the sound of gagging and what seemed like vomiting. "Alfred, are you ok?" He asked knocking at the door before walking in.

...

Alfred panicked upon hearing his name and tried to say something.

"Oh god... Alfred why?" A rather disappointed Matthew said sighing and walking to his brother, placing his hands on his brothers shoulders, turning him around to look at him.

"I...I'm sorry... I just..." Alfred said not able to finish his sentence.

"Don't be..." Matthew said, looking down to Alfred's mutilated arms and stomach "I'm guessing therapy didn't work..."

Alfred looked down, ashamed of himself as he muttered out another apology.

Matthew grabbed some tissues and wiped Alfred's face.

"I can clean myself up you know, I'm not a baby..." Alfred complained. Matthew just grunted, grabbing the medical equipment and cleaning the self inflicted wounds on his body.

After some time he had finished. "There, all better. Lets go downstairs shall we?" Matthew said giving Alfred a clean shirt, Alfred agreed quietly following Matthew downstairs


	11. Chapter 11

Another chapter! Id like to thank mochiofdoom for giving me ideas for this :3 go cheak her out! u/5438488/ she only has one story but its really good!

Id also like to thank theraputicdepressant for bettaing this story for me, you can cheak her out too if you want to u/5105773

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><p>Alfred sat in his room, the voice nagging at him once again, practically standing in front of him and taunting his very being. He could imagine what it looked like, the opposite of him. A buff character with lean muscles and a great toned stomach- no not just toned. He had a six-pack and was actually sexy! Unlike him who's body was overweight and ugly. The character's face beautifully angled, and manly with beautiful green eyes, unlike his round chubby girly face with ugly dull grey eyes and ugly pimples all over a disgusting, greasy face. Beautiful strong biceps with muscles instead of his thin, weak and girly ones. The voice was perfect! If only he had control, if only he was actually THIN and TONED with nice TANNED skin and a nice CLEAN face, but at least he could dream. (And leave his body forever.)<p>

It had been 4 months since Matthew had caught him fixing himself, he really wished Mattie would stop worrying about him, he didn't need help.

Trying to ignore everyone's comments, he walked to his locker, picking at the tips of his fingers, a nervous habit he had developed. He got out what he neaded for social studies. An intimidating looking blond haired girl with a blue dress and a Russian accent walked up to him, her eyes trailing and judging him. He immediatley tensed and tried to walk past the scary looking girl, she then pulled up Alfred's sleeve showing off his scars and cuts. He quickly dropped his books and tried to pull his sleeves down, the girl lifted up his shirt and snorted. Alfred blushed and tried to cover himself, she simply glared at him and gave him his books.  
>"You have everything, so stop trying to get attention! Also, try not to act like a hormonal thirteen year old girl, it's rather pathetic..." She spat, narrowing her eyes and turning around swiftly, her skirt elegantly twisting with her as she walked away, her heels snapping on the floor in a loud manner. Alfred looked around and to his dismay everyone was looking at him with either a disgusted or angry expression on their face.<br>'I told you you should have listened, now everyone knows you're not just a fatty but a fatty who's an attention seeker!' Alfred cringed, looking to the ground as he tried to walk away, even Kiku was there! Did anyone even want him alive anymore?  
>'Of corse not fat ass, nobody cares about you. Matthew is only acting, he feels sorry for you! You're so selfish! I'll be surprised if he doesn't leave you now, he's obviously getting tired of your bullshit.'<br>'I know... I am selfish ok? You say it all the time...' He thought walking to social studies, alone.

As he sat down on his chair in social study he decided to think, not even noticing the peircing glare the blond haired Russian girl gave him. He felt something hit his head. As he picked it up, confused, he looked around, wondering who threw it. Assuming it was for him he opened it up.

Think fast fatty.

It said in red writing. He felt his chair get kicked, the legs suddenly collapssing beneath him. His eyes widened as he blushed in embarrassment. The class erupted with laughter as he stood up, picking up his stuff and wanting to just die right there. "Looks like the class fatty broke the chair!" The russian girl said scoffing, before he could get laughed at anymore he made a run for it, running out of the classroom. Just before the class got a surprise. Kiku had sat up and began scolding his classmates, following Alfred out of the room.

Oh god, why me? Why did she have to do that, why? He thought, tears starting to overflow and run down his cheeks. Running into the bathroom, he tried to calm down, trying to breathe again as he leaned on a sink. Splashing water on his face he looked into the mirror. What was starring back at him wasn't even human anymore to him. It's face so revoltingly ugly that he could only stare in dismay. He needed relief. He needed it now! Before he went into one of the stalls a very out of breath Kiku ran in and called his name.

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><p>Mwahaha another cliffhanger :3 at least the chappy is longer then usal tho :3<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

**Its been updated, its now allot better**

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><p>"Yeah Kiku? What's up..." Alfred said, not looking at the Japanese boy, trying his hardest not to just curl up there with his hands over his head and burst out crying.<br>"Alfred, I just wanted to see if you were okay. What that girl did was nasty and completely unacceptable!" He said.  
>Alfred looked up to see that Kiku didn't look so great. "Heh... I guess. Why did you chase after me though?" Alfred asked. "You look a little shaken up."<br>Kiku nodded his head."Sorry Alfred-san, but you are my friend, so I did what most friends do and stood up for you." Alfred paused, surprised. Didn't he look down on him.  
>"Wait... You did?" He paused again. "You really still consider me your friend?"<p>

"Yes, of course I do!" Kiku said. "I've been worried for you for a while now, but you didn't notice."

"Wait, really? ...But why" Alfred said, a little surprised that the Japanese boy still liked him, he even considered him his friend...

Kiku stayed quiet for a while, and then stepped forward towards Alfred. "Because we have always been friends... I'm sorry." He said, wrapping his arms around Alfred's thin body. "But I won't let you slip away!"

Alfred stood there, shocked at the boy's behavior. He wrapped his arms around Kiku and hugged him back.

"I..." he stuttered, trying his best not to cry.

"Alfred, you can cry you know..." Kiku said. "I won't judge you."

Alfred felt the tears falling down his cheeks. Holding Kiku tighter, he burried his face in the Japanese boy's shoulder.

-  
>He stepped on the dreaded scale, the ugly numbers showing at 105 pounds, but it wasn't enough... he was still fat! He glared at his body screwing up his fists, placing them over his head and tugged at his hair. Curling into a ball, he started to sob.<br>'No... Please. Not now!' He thought, his mind taking over his body. He started to panic as he felt his heart pounding against his chest and his breath hitching and quickening in small short breaths.

-

"Mummy?" Little Alfred said, poking his head though the door.

"Mummy! Please get down from there! You'll get hurt! It's not the time to swing on the ceiling!"

-  
>I see you haven't changed you little shit... You're always going to be a fat little fuck aren't you?<p>

Alfred tried to calm down, but found that he couldn't. He shakely got up, his legs shaking and about to give in any moment, somehow he managed to get up and run into his bedroom. Hoping that he was quiet enough to not alert anyone, he grabbed the blade, harshly stabbing it into his forearm. Not wanting to hit an artery or anything that would kill him if cut, he then slashed at his arms again and again. Taking off his shirt he scratched with the blade at any part of his body he could without seriously hurting himself, even if it didn't exactly look like they weren't serious gashes on his skin. He then lent back, his panic attack making it almost impossible to think straight.

"Alfred..." A soft voice said as he heard footsteps walking towards him, he looked up and noticed Mathew pushing past Francis and slowly walking toward him.

"Wait! They're not deep! I promise! I'm sorry! Please don't hate me, I swear I'm okay, I'm not trying to kill myself p-please! I promise that I'm sane! PLEASE D-DON'T SEND ME AWAY AGAIN, I-IM SORRY! I'M SO FUCKING SORRY OK?" Alfred said as fast as he could.

"Alfred, you have to calm down. Breathe in slowly now, that's it now keep on doing that. Nobody will send you away, I don't hate you." Matthew said, holding Alfred's arms against his body so he couldn't cut himself anymore. He stared into Alfred's eyes, saying soothing words to him.

After about five minutes he let go of his arms, he was surprisingly strong for the weak state he was in and found that he still had to use a lot of his strength to stop him. Alfred repeatedly said he was sorry as he wrapped his arms around his head. Curling into a ball as his body quivered.

Francis was lost, what was he supposed to do now? He tried his hardest to help his adopted son. Now he finally understood what the adoption place meant when they said that he was prone to getting memories of his past all of those years ago, did this mean that his son has been suffering all of these years without him or authur knowing?

"Papa... He used to do this a lot when we were younger, can you please go find dad and tell him not to come in? I think it's best if you leave Alfred alone until he's calm again, I'll explain more later." Matthew said calmly .

Francis nodded closing the door gently and going to find authur


	13. Chapter 13

Ok... i think i need to clear some things up here before you carry on **read this**

**...**

**authur is not abusing alfred, he was just harsh on him to make him stronger, now he relises that that was perhaps not the best idea since he had no idea of what happened before he was with him, he ****regrets **** geting drunk in the first place**

ok... im sorry this isent a chappy ;_; please forgive me for my lazyness


	14. Chapter 14

Try listening to Maria mena: self-fulfilling philosophy to get the mood or britt nicole- when she cries, these gave me inspiration ^^` im sooo sorry for the long period of time it took to make this please forgive me ;D; writers block is killing me slowly

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><p>Alfred listened silently as the angry shouts of his perants echoed through the hollow house that was once home to him, he listened as the shouting turned to glasses smashing and fists smacking agenst walls and tabletops. He walked down as silently as he could, trying his best not to be seen as he watched from the top of the stairway as his perants fought, fists thumped agenst walls and rough shoves were made as the others fought, thare fight becoming more and more violent.<p>

StoP IT! JUST STOP!" He said pushing between them and breaking the fight, oh how he wished Mathew was home at this moment, ignoring the questions they asked him he started talking again, this time his voice more low and quite "just dont fight again, please..." he said, walking away and into his bedroom, pushing them away, he was too annoyed with them to care, too tired to want to care. All he wanted to do was be alone.

He went to his room whare he flopped onto his bed grabbing a pillow and grabbing it as tightly as he could, his thin nails digging into the soft fabric. Like it would give him a awnser to evrything that was buzzing though his frail mind if he grabbed the fabric tight enough. _'just die alredy! Why would anyone want someone as useless as you! Why are you still here anyway? Your wasting air and people's time'_ finaly after god knows how long he let go and looked down at his now open hands, a single tear falling down onto his dried out palm. He snarled and stared at the overgrown nails. A sadistic thought came though his mind as he grabbed the nail on his little finger, slowly pulling back the nail. He cringed in pain as he felt the nail being pulled of his finger, blood started to drip as the nail got pulled of. Finaly coming off partly, ripping in half leeving his little finger bleading and with half of a nail. He watched in fascination as the blood dripped from his ruined finger onto his cupped palm. He watched as the finger slowly bled as his palm filled with a small amount of blood. Not wanting to make a mess he went to the bathroom, hopefully not seen as he washed the blood away. His finger stung as he cringed in pain as the soap went into the open wound whare his nail was, he washed it out, grabbing the medical box ontop of the cabinet and clent the wound. The antibacterial wipe stung as he placed it on the wound, slightly enjoying the pain it gave him as dressed the wound.

_'The pain is numbing, the pain is nice'_

He looked down, realising it was true! This pain was nice, it was satisfying.

"What have i become?" He thought to himself, his heart pounding in his chest painfully loud. Annoyingly loud

_'Pain is the only awnser, pain is your friend'_

"Pain is my friend... my only friend..." he wanted more, no... he diddent want more... He _needed_ more, and he neaded it now.

"But what about dad and papa? Wont they ague more if you do that" no... he had to stop thinking like that... tgey would never know, all he had to do was hide it... yes, there was no other way.


End file.
